After meeting him on the set of the Farrelly brothers film “The Three Stooges” last month, Dennis & Callahan bothered “Seinfeld” co-creator, “Curb Your Enthusiasm” creator and neurotic comedic genius Larry David enough to join their show on Friday morning (Check out the full audio interview here).

David discussed everything from his golf game to Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly‘s breakup to performance-enhancing drugs in baseball to The Three Stooges to Kate Upton to Bill Belichick and Rex Ryan to the “Seinfeld” finale to the possibility of a “Curb Your Enthusiasm” movie to his net worth and his love life. Yup, pretty … pretty … much everything — to the point where Larry couldn’t wait to come back. Well, maybe that’s going too far.

So, strap in, because the following is the complete transcription of their Larry David interview …

[The "Curb Your Entusiasm" theme plays in the background ...]

John Dennis (from right), Larry David and Gerry Callahan share a laugh on the set of the Farrelly brothers new film "The Three Stooges."

John Dennis: “Good morning, Larry, how are you?”

Larry David: “By the way, it’s really nice to have my own theme. I like it. I’d like to just play walking into a supermarket. Just have a recording of it: ‘Hey everybody, I’m here.’”

Gerry Callahan: “When we were sitting in Atlanta with you those couple of nights, getting crazy, and you told us that you would come on our show some time were you lying then? I didn’t notice, did your voice go up? Were you just putting us on?”

LD: “Yeah, my voice did go up a little bit. Yeah. I tell you a million things a day I’m not intending to do. Most people don’t keep following up the way you do.”

JD: “The funniest thing you wrote in The New Yorker piece was that you’re good at a couple of things: Flossing, dishwashing and making people that you can’t stand like you. I think that’s the case here, isn’t it?”

LD: “[Laughs] You can’t take that all literally, you know.”

JD: “Are you on Martha’s Vineyard, or do you not want to reveal your whereabouts?”

LD: “I am on The Vineyard.”

GC: “Larry, your piece on golf: Everybody who’s not on the PGA TOUR has gone through all that. You put it into words perfectly. I think everybody who golfs can relate to it.”

LD: “You know what? I’m so sick of that game. I’m so sick of it. I can’t stand it anymore. The other day, on Tuesday, I was out there, and I discovered something. And I was killing it. And I couldn’t wait to get back on Thursday, and of course yesterday I couldn’t do it again.”

JD: “You said the freedom you felt when you decided to just not try anymore and just give up trying to be good at golf was the same freedom you felt when you got divorced from your wife; the only difference is you didn’t take up skipping this time.”

LD: “Right, there was no skipping.”

Now that Minka Kelly and Derek Jeter are split, Larry David would be more interested in dating Jeter. (AP)

JD: “We have a number of questions from callers who called in and said, ‘Ask Larry this,’ ‘Ask Larry that.’ First of all, they want to know: Are you interested in trying to date Minka Kelly now that Derek Jeter has dropped her?”

LD: “Really? Did they break up? I didn’t know. I’m not tuned into the celebrity gossip machine.”

GC: “I think he’s more interested in dating Jeter now that they’re broken up. Is that true?”

LD: “[Laughs] That’s hilarious. By the way: .300, Ok? The guy’s hitting .300.”

GC: “.299.”

LD: “All right, .299. He was up to .300 until his last at-bat, but that’s pretty damn good, given the way everybody had written him off.”

GC: “That’s true. He was .250 in June.”

JD: “Are you a bigger Yankees fan or Jets fan, Larry?”

LD: “Both. If I could only watch one, oh boy, that’s a tough one. There are so many more Yankees games.”

GC: “It’s going to happen October 9, I believe: Red Sox-Yankees and Patriots-Jets on the same day, if they get into the ALCS.”

LD: “I think that’s an easy call. We TiVo the Jets game.”

JD: “We were discussing some of the more outrageous things that Curb has done over the years, and I’m wondering: When you sit in story line meetings, or you sit down to write, are there places you won’t go? Are there ideas you’ve said, ‘No, even for Curb and me, that’s a little far,’ because Lord knows the Palestinian thing pushed the envelope? And accidentally urinating on Jesus certainly did as well. Did you consider those, and think those two areas are dangerous?”

LD: “No, there really aren’t any areas I don’t think I can go. If I had the right angle of getting there. That’s what it’s all about, but on Seinfeld there were areas I couldn’t go to.”

JD: “HBO has never called you and said, ‘No, that’s over the line’?”

LD: “No, never once.”

JD: “How did Peter and Bobby [Farrelly] convince you to play Sister Mary-Mengele for The Three Stooges movie? Was it a hard sell?”

LD: “You know, he asks me to do these crazy things all the time. ‘Hey, Larry, we’re going to this rock concert for four days, will you wear makeup?’ And I’m always saying, ‘No, Peter, I don’t want to do it.’ And he’s so persistent. And this time I just didn’t feel like going through his recalls and the call after that, so I just said, ‘Well, send me the script.’ And the script was hilarious, so I decided to do it. Of course, I had no idea that Atlanta was going to be 110 degrees and I’d be wearing the nun’s habit for 16 hours a day. I’ve never sweated like that in my life.”

Larry David's reaction to model Kate Upton on "The Three Stooges" sums it up: "Oh, boy." (AP)

GC: “It would’ve been simple. You could have worn the same nun’s habit as Kate Upton.”

LD: “Oh, boy. You gentleman were lucky to get a glimpse of her.”

JD: “Oh, Lord. We described as a bikini about the size of a handkerchief. Is that pretty accurate?”

LD: “[Laughs] Yeah, I think that’s pretty good.”

JD: “How’s this for a standard cliche question that maybe you’ve gotten a million times in your life: What’s the best thing about being Larry David? And I guess the followup has to be: What’s the worse thing about being you?”

LD: “The worst thing about being me is that I’m still me. The best thing? I don’t know. I’ve actually never gotten that question. If I did, I’d have a better answer for it.”

JD: “Can I give you some multiple choices? Is it the money, is it the fame, is it the creative acclaim, is it the creative freedom or is it the fact that you can have a hot chick if you’d like? There’s five right there to work on.”

LD: “Well, they’re all pretty good, but certainly the creative freedom — being able to do anything that I want and not have any interference — that’s really the best part of it, if I may be a little pretentious.”

GC: “Are you acting on Curb, or are you just being yourself?”

LD: “No, I’m not acting. I’m just being myself. I’m being the self I want to be.”

GC: “You’re not quite as bombastic in person, but you’re not quite the social assassin in person I don’t think.”

LD: “No, not at all. That’s why I have to become one on the show, because I want to be that in person.”

GC: “Are you like the Farrellys? Are the people around you in Curb just people you like, your friends? They don’t like to cast a-holes who are going to make everyone’s life difficult. You don’t do that either, do you?”

LD: “No, we’ve never really had anyone on the show whose presence was just so disturbing that we felt like, ‘Oh, what a mistake this was.’ We’ve been pretty lucky, but most of the time people are coming in to audition. The regulars on my show like Susie [Essman] and Jeff [Garlin] and Richard Lewis and [Bob] Einstein and Leon [J.B. Smoove], those people are all great to hang out with.”

JD: “Do you have either the power or interest in getting Rex Ryan and Bill Belichick as a cameo on an episode of Curb?”

LD: “I might have the power. I certainly don’t have the interest, although I do like Rex a lot. Belichick does not seem like he would deliver a scintillating performance.”

JD: “Yeah, he probably wouldn’t be a laugh a minute.”

GC: “Well, he could just stand there like he did on Rescue Me when he was an extra.”

LD: “Oh, boy, he’s on the grim side, is he not? What a grim fellow. Have you ever seen him crack a smile? He doesn’t even smile after a Super Bowl win.”

GC: “Maybe a little one. A Mona Lisa-like smile.”

LD: “A little one, but no teeth. You’ve never seen teeth.”

JD: “Do you think performance-enhancing drugs should DQ one from the Hall of Fame, because you got DQ’d in the last episode of Curb for using performance-enhancers?”

LD: “You mean, for real?”

JD: “Yeah, should Barry Bonds be allowed in? Should Roger Clemens be allowed in?”

LD: “Yeah, I think so, because they had careers before they started taking them that would have gotten them in the Hall.”

GC: “What about A-Rod [Alex Rodriguez]? Are you an A-Rod guy now, or are you still lukewarm on him?”

LD: “I’m an A-Rod guy. I would definitely vote for A-Rod. He put up all those numbers. I mean, what did he take them for two years in 2003-04?”

GC: “Well, if you believe that.”

LD: “Well, yeah, that’s true.”

JD: “Would you put Manny [Ramirez] in the Hall of Fame, because we know he’s done it, and he’s a Red Sox — not a Yankee?”

LD: “Yeah, I would vote for Manny, for sure. He was a great player, with or without the drugs. I guess it’s hard to quantify how much they can do for you, but I guess if you look at that guy who played for Baltimore [Brady Anderson] who hit 52 home runs, and he had never hit more than 14, I guess they do do a lot, don’t they? I don’t know. This is a tough question. I think we’re out of my territory.”

JD: “Is this the last season of Curb officially, or you haven’t made up your mind?”

LD: “I don’t know, John, I haven’t decided yet. I’m coming here and contemplating it.”

JD: “Can I vote? I don’t want it to be the last season.”

LD: “I’ll take that under advisement.”

Larry David on people hating the "Seinfeld" series finale: "What are you going to do?"

GC: “I know the finale would be better than Seinfeld. When you made the Seinfeld finale, was that to leave things open-ended, so you could have a comeback that’s never happened?”

LD: “You know, in a way, I did sort of leave it hanging a little bit, just in case we ever wanted to do it again, there would be a place to start from. I was pleased with the finale. I know a lot of people hated it, but what are you going to do?”

GC: “Well, it was better than the Sopranos finale, but it did make you think that you were just going to take a year off and come back.”

LD: “Yeah, you’re right, Gerry. I did sort of leave it open for that.”

JD: “I assume the last episode of this season is in the can, is that correct?”

LD: “Yes.”

JD: “Would it qualify as a finale if this would be it?”

LD: “You know, even if I do come back and then I know that it’s going to be the last episode for sure, I’m not going to write ‘The Finale.’ I don’t want to get into that. I’m going to end the season, and if it’s the last show it’s the last show.”

GC: “When you write things like, I don’t know what the form is, but in the script it says, ‘Larry has a tampon hanging out of his nose,’ do people all laugh or do they say, ‘That’s just Larry,’ or ‘that’ll work’/'that won’t work’? Do you have any doubts that you laying there with a tampon hanging out of your nose will work, because God did it ever work?”

LD: “Well, I figure a tampon in my nose is going to work. There weren’t too many debates about that one, but there are some things that are on the line that you kind of don’t know if they’re going to work until you see it, but most of the time I feel like, ‘Yeah, this will work.’”

GC: “Did you know the Palestinian Chicken was going to be a huge hit?”

LD: “No, not to the degree that it was. No way. I was shocked at the reaction to that show.”

Jon Meterparel: “Did you get any backlash from the Jewish community about that?”

LD: “A little bit. I was talking to somebody the other day who said that his friend is not watching the show anymore because of that episode. And then he’ll told me my father stopped watching after The Survivor episode.”

GC: “You don’t believe them, do you? They’re full of it. They say that, but they were watching the next week. That’s the brilliance of it. You can be offended, but you’re not going to go away.”

LD: “Well, I want some people to be offended. Otherwise, I don’t think I’d have anything.”

JD: “So, I just want to make sure I understood what you said at the beginning of this interview: There is nothing you’ve considered over eight years that you’ve decided not to put in because you thought it went too far. I’m sure there’s stuff you said, ‘That’s not going to be funny,’ but there’s nothing you said, ‘That’s over the line, and I won’t do it’?”

LD: “No, the only reason I won’t do something is because it won’t be funny. Now, if there’s certain subject matter that’s so sensitive that there’s no way you can make it funny, then I can’t do it. I’m just going to do it to do it. I’ll do it if I can make it funny.”

JD: “You ever give any thought to going to the big screen, and I don’t mean as a nun in The Three Stooges, but I mean writing a movie — whether it’s a Curb movie or whether it’s just a comedy on the big screen for an hour and a half?”

LD: “Yes, I’m considering it now.”

JD: “Are you working on it?”

LD: “No. I’m considering it.”

GC: “Who has more money: You or Seinfeld?”

LD: “Oh, it’s not even close.”

JD: “He’s not divorced.”

LD: “Right. He’s not divorced, and he made way more than I did. And he also goes out on concerts and makes a lot of money. I don’t really have as much as I’m reputed to have. That’s ridiculous.”

GC: “So, are you flying first-class when you go home next week to L.A.?”

LD: “I will fly first-class, but I won’t fly privately. The only time I might fly privately is if I have like a little short flight — like from New York to Martha’s Vineyard or something. I’ll fly in a little twin that doesn’t cost even that much more than Cape Air. But that’s it.”

Is "Curb Your Enthusiasm" co-star Amy Landecker a real-life Larry David love interest?

JD: “Would it offend you or upset you if I asked a slightly personal question? You don’t have to answer it. Extra said yesterday, and this will be veiled for some people, Larry won the battle with Rosie [O'Donnell] in the real-life affections for Jane?”

LD: “[Laughs] Is that what it says? Well, we don’t need to get into that. I knew there was something on Page Six.”

GC: “Yeah, it says you’re dating Rosie O’Donnell. We’ve talked about this before — the season is what, 10 weeks? — you’ve got a lot of free time, don’t you? Is that all golf?”

LD: “No. It takes about 16 months to do those 10 shows. So, usually as soon as the season is over, I’ll get to work on the next one, but I haven’t started yet.”

JM: “Do you only hire writers who went to Harvard? Alec Berg, David Mandel … That’s the genius behind Larry David. Those guys don’t get enough credit, right?”

LD: “They do not get enough credit. They’re fantastic. They worked with me on Seinfeld, too.”

JD: “When you were in Sheepsead Bay [Brooklyn, N.Y.] back in the day as a store clerk, a limousine driver, a television repairman, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

LD: “I think I wanted to be in show business, but I didn’t quite know what. I didn’t think comedian, because I didn’t think I was funny at all in high school. Maybe an actor. You know what? A writer. I remember I had this autograph book from the sixth grade, and it said, you know, favorite song and all that. Under occupation, I had writer, so apparently there was something in that.”

JD: “But you did do some stand-up, right?”

LD: “I did stand-up before Seinfeld.”

JD: “With any degree of success?”

LD: “Very, very little.”

JM: “Will you go back to that?”

LD: “That’s possible. I did start working on an act of sorts, but it’s a daunting prospect.”

GC: “Didn’t you have people tell you that you should get LASIK surgery, get a hair weave and all that?”

LD: “No, I haven’t been advised to get the LASIK. By the way, before Curb started, I was going to get the LASIK, and the day before I canceled the operation, because I knew we were going to do the show, and I just felt like I wanted to do it with my glasses on.”

GC: “It could help your golf game.”

LD: “Yeah, it probably could, but I think a neck massage would do more than the glasses.”

JD: “Have you remembered my technique that I tried to teach you in Atlanta about dismissing people who are sticking around too long when they want to come over and say hello?”

LD: “Yes, you were very blunt about that.”

JD: “Yes, but it didn’t work the night that you tried it, only because in a 1-in-1,000 chance, that drunken lady on the first time you were going to experiment with it came over and sat down. You reached out and shook her hand like I told you to and said, ‘Hey, it was very nice talking to you, Sally, good to meet you.’ And she just stayed there and kept asking you more questions.”

GC: “And you did it three more times.”

LD: “I think I sensed that she was going to be crushed if I dismissed her.”

JD: “When are you heading home back to L.A.?”

LD: “Well, I’m supposed to go on Sunday, but that’s looking precarious. I’ll stick around longer.”

JD: “All right, bring the birdbath in and the flamingos and the lawn furniture.”

LD: “That’s a good idea.”

JD: “Hey, can we do this again in the spring when The Stooges comes out?”

LD: “[Reluctantly] Yes, yes, Ok.”

JD: “Because he knows I’ll bother him.”

LD: “[Reluctantly] Fine, fine, we’ll do it in the spring.”

GC: “His voice is going up. He’s lying again.”

Finally, for The Rolling Stone interview of Larry that John, Gerry and Meter discussed after their own interview — and to get a greater feel for the enigmatic David — check that out here.

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